One of the hardest parts of the infertility roller coaster is that horrible feeling called jealousy. It is so easy to become “jealous” of others when they have something you want and desire.
Those battling infertility often find themselves having a difficult time when others become pregnant and have babies.
It is a valid feeling, and normal and natural to feel that way.
But it is the worst feeling, too. To not be immediately happy, or excited for those you love.
Over time you might eventually not feel that way but it takes a lot of energy, faith, prayer and resilience to get to that point.
It’s important to know that you can still be happy for others, while being sad for yourself.
Finding out someone else is pregnant can be a huge trigger for someone experiencing infertility.
It can make or break your day. It can can make or break your mood, your sense of peace and your faith.
It can send you down a path of sadness, jealousy, bitterness and resentment. It is the worst of all the feelings you can feel. Not only because it makes you feel miserable, but because you probably feel guilty for feeling that way toward someone you love.
If you are pregnant and need to tell someone you love who is battling infertility, there are a few sensitive ways you can do so. Of course, you don’t have to think about others and how they might feel, you don’t have to be considerate of the feelings of those around you- but if you do care- then please take note.
Tell the person privately
You might want to announce your pregnancy at a big family gathering or on social media- and that is great! But if you know someone has been trying to get pregnant consider giving them a heads up before you do it publicly.
When you announce a pregnancy in front of other people the infertile have not control over how they react. It could take all the energy they can muster to not burst into tears right then and there- therefore taking away from your big moment.
When you tell someone in private it gives them time to gather their thoughts, feelings and composure before having to hold it together in a crowd or even in front of one or two other people.
Yes, this is your pregnancy and you have every right to be excited and happy- but if you are about to tell your sister, best friend or co-worker that you are pregnant do what you can to offer support.
I have had relatives and friends preface their announcement to me by recognizing my heart ache. They told me how they know it can be hard for me to hear people are pregnant but that they love me and wanted to tell me themselves. They validated my journey and made it easier for me to be honest and open with them.
Text, phone call, email, message
Sometimes telling someone via text message, email, or phone call is the best policy.
Know your audience and your relationship and decide how you think that person would want to be told.
Being told someone is pregnant through a text message might be offensive to some people, others might appreciate the space it allows them to gather their thoughts before responding. When you get an email or text with that announcement it gives you time to process the news and not have to react face-to-face.
Don’t keep it a secret
No matter how much it might hurt to hear one more pregnancy announcement, it will hurt even more for a close friend or family member to keep it a secret. I would much rather know about it than know my loved one was afraid to tell me, or trying to keep it quiet. Through open communication you can both better understand one another.
As in all things, honesty is always the best policy.
A few closing thoughts
It is a given that we cannot always know how people might respond to different events in our life.
Pregnancy is a miracle and a joyful thing- yet it can be so hard to hear about when it is something that is not happening for you.
And unless you’ve been there- unless you’ve experienced a loss or infertility we don’t expect you to understand that pain.
But yes, it might make me sad to know you are pregnant.
Just know that I am feeling sad for me and for what I cannot have and I’m not mad at you and I am happy for you the best way I know how.