For years I prayed and prayed to have a child. One that looked like Mitch and I, one that would be mischievous and act just like we did when we were young. I really wanted a child with my white blond curly hair….Oh, I would love that! I remember promising Heavenly Father, that if I could have a child I would be happy with just one. I just wanted, with all my heart, to have a child to love and share myself and my loving husband with.
My prayers were answered! She is all I dreamed of and so much more. Our hearts are so full of love for her. When she was a baby, Mitch and I would just sit and hold her and enjoy every minute. I was so excited to get her home from the hospital and start playing ‘house’ with her. We still fight over who gets to cuddle with her. When she turned about 15 months old I started thinking we should try for another baby (I am no spring chicken and my biological clock is ticking). I thought, if we started now they would be about 2 years apart. So we “started trying”. What that meant for me was tacking everything and trying new ideas to help boost my fertility. I started with Foot Zoning. I think I cried through the whole thing. I had a lot of feelings to sort through.
If my Heavenly Father wants me to have more children I will gladly accept. I want to do all I can to let that happen but… If not I feel very strongly that I need to live up to the promises I made to him. That if he would trust me with one of his sweet spirits, I would love and cherish that child and be happy. I am ok with my life, but I have found people who love us sometimes wish our circumstances were different. They look at me like I am hurting and there is something really missing or bad in my life. I didn’t know how to take this and honestly, I really didn’t talk about it much until I started blogging about it. There have been things I have needed to figure out.
“I don’t think people understand how
Stressful it is to explain what’s going
On in your head when you don’t even
Understand it yourself.”
Most of the time when people ask me about how things are going…I just cry. I don’t know what to say or how to express what I feel. It’s not because I’m sad really, I think that since I don’t talk about it, it makes it difficult to talk about when someone brings it up. I have to face whatever emotions comes up first. I had a lot of people asking me questions and wanting to know how I felt about different things and I finally had a break down. Was I supposed to be hurting? Do I need to Adopt? Do I need to try IVF? Do I need to take different meds?
NO!! I am happy with my life, I am happy with just one child, I have a great marriage and I love where I live. I believe we have a loving Heavenly Father who knows us individually. I believe he guides each of us into knowing what is best for each of us and our families. I don’t feel like adoption is the path that I need to be on right now. I also do not feel like actively looking for ways to get pregnant is what I should be doing. I can take a break and care for myself and my family and enjoy my life. I completely understand that we are all different and that my life and most everyone out there is going to be different. This didn’t happen overnight for me, I had to figure out. I had to think about it, and talk about all of my emotions. I asked myself, what are all of these emotions I am feeling? What is really bugging me? How do I truly feel?
One night, as I left a baby shower I was overwhelmed with emotions. I had several people wanting to know what was next for me…how was I doing???? Honestly, I didn’t have any answers, so once again I left crying. I had a client who once told me she went to an empty field and just yelled out all her concerns and that it was very therapeutic for her. That’s what I did… I drove to a field and yelled it out alone in my car, I just yelled out all of the things going through my mind, all of the worries and emotions. That is when I finally figured it out. I am strong, I am happy, and no matter what anyone thinks my life should look like or what ideas people have for my life. I got this!
“I’ve found that
Growing up means
About what I want.
What I need. What
I feel. Who I am.”
Now when asked those hard questions, I will say with a smile …I love my life and I have really good things happening for me and my family. We are truly blessed! Life is good my friends Life is GOOD!
P.S. This has taken me years and lots of experiences to get to this point in my journey. All of us deal with things differently. If you don’t feel the same way I do that is ok. If you are angry and upset, I’ve been there too. Talking and writing have been so helpful for me. I hope you can find a way to express your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way. If you would like to share your feelings or experiences with me please email me at Melissa@triumphsandtrials.com I would love to hear from you.