Our little daily decisions can cause us to end up in a place where we don’t want to end up. Early on in my infertility journey I would get so hurt and angry because I would see pregnancy announcements, and baby shower invites all over social media. I was so involved with myself, in my own thoughts and negative feelings that I started not wanting to attend church. I went because I knew I “needed” to go, but I wasn’t there mentally, or even emotionally.
My depression and jealousy had gotten so bad that when my 2 best friends got pregnant a few months apart, I felt that they really didn’t even care about me. So my daily decisions of being jealous and angry, in the long run had me slowly inching my way further away from God. I had pushed everyone away and was very negative in my thoughts and actions. This ultimately turned into me to being bitter and angry at God. I was upset at Him for giving this trial to us. We wanted to be parents. I wanted to so badly to see that positive pregnancy test. That wasn’t happening, and I was bitter at everyone who got that joy. I still waited for a miracle to happen but because it hadn’t, I blamed God.
I blamed God for several years, and during that time I had made it a goal to attend the temple monthly. Chase and I were at the temple one night, and had found out the temple president was one of Chase’s mission presidents. We met with the temple president and his wife after our session and mentioned to them our struggles with conceiving. They felt prompted to tell us that we needed to be there for our friends and to try and serve them in our trial of waiting.
During that time of bitterness one of the friends that had gotten pregnant, mentioned how she didn’t know how to help me. She mentioned that I was so negative and constantly talked about how we weren’t able to get pregnant. She said she had tried everything to stay friends with me. I realized that yes all I talked about was our infertility, but I needed to find hope. I had a turning point where I learned I shouldn’t be bitter at God anymore. I had an experience (like a slap in the face/widening my eyes kind of experience) when I was an adviser to our young women in my ward. The young women secretary was teaching on Christ’s atonement. She had us read in The Book of Mormon, Alma 7:11-13.
What I read and understood was that Christ took away our pains, and the sickness of His people. I knew without a doubt that Christ knew how I was feeling, and that I wasn’t alone. That through Him, all of my pains would be taken away. That I could rely on Him for help, and comfort. I felt as though my world was crashing down around me, and I don’t think my heart was ready to hear those words until that day.
After that lesson in church, I learned that my daily decisions had led me towards being so negative, bitter, angry and jealous. I learned that I needed to have God in my life again. That HE was ultimately the persons I could give my burdens to. I learned that I needed to be happy or else Satan would have an eternal hold on me. I learned that I HAD to forgive myself, and before I forgave myself, I HAD to forgive God. It wasn’t until that moment in that young women class, that I could stop being bitter at God. I could not let the trial of infertility consume me and drag me down to “the gulf of misery and endless wo.” Since then my whole view on my own infertility has changed.
I know it’s all up to God for a miracle to take place for Chase and I. This trial of infertility has reminded me that I need to have faith in God. That faith has given me hope that I haven’t had for a long time. He is the eternal creator, and I have to 100% put my trust in Him in order for things to change.
Those little daily decisions caused me to be angry and bitter towards God, and to everyone that tried helping me. My little daily decisions now cause me to bring myself closer to God. He can take the pain of hurtful comments, pregnancy announcements, invitations to baby showers, and even miscarriages away. I’ve felt all that pain, deep in my heart, like all of my infertility warrior friends. I’ve never experienced that much emptiness, sorrow and pain, until going through this battle called infertility. I’ve learned that through my little daily decisions and in doing everything I can, I can be less bitter and more better with Christ.
Our little daily decisions can cause us to end up in a place where we don’t want to end up. Is that somewhere you want to be, or would you rather be in a better place? If you chose the latter than direct your sails toward Christ and begin being uplifted and inspired by others.
If you would like to know more about Tedi you can follow her over at runningwithinfertility.