Horror, shock, emptiness, panic, and most of all fear. These are just a few of the emotions I felt as I looked down to see a blood streak on my toilet paper. I quickly threw the paper in the toilet and grabbed more…wipe after wipe…some had a little bit more than the other…some not at all. Do I sit here…do I go tell someone…is this for real? After a moment of realizing it wasn’t going to stop, I bunched up some more toilet paper and put it in place just in case more blood came out…then I ran got a pad…sat back down, checked some more… then walked to my husband and told him I needed to go to the hospital. I didn’t feel any cramps, but a part of me knew deep down I was miscarrying. This was my first experience with having a miscarriage…the second was a similar story, but this time I had to call my husband to come home from work.
As we drove into the ER parking lot, I had so many emotions and questions: If I’m having a miscarriage…there is nothing I can do, so why am I here? If I’m not having a miscarriage, did I just waste a whole bunch of money for nothing? It’s amazing how much guilt I felt and I wasn’t sure why. I got to the desk and filled out the paper work. It asked what I was there for…my mind thought miscarriage, but my fingers and heart just didn’t want to spell it out. I could see the awkward look on peoples’ faces, as they asked whether I was feeling cramping, bleeding…etc. I wanted to scream, “Just get me in the back and do the dam blood work and ultrasound.” Instead, I had to endure the long waiting game of getting called back, getting blood taken, and getting an IV… just in case. Then more waiting… and waiting… and waiting, until a doctor came in to tell me that I would be getting an ultrasound.
The ultrasound tech took countless pictures and never said a word to me. I still didn’t know if he could see something there or not. I laid there…and laid there…and finally after ten minutes I asked, “Is there something there.” He tried to be as general as possible. He said someone would read the results and let me know in detail what was going on.
After two hours, I still didn’t know my HCG levels or ultrasound results. At last, someone came in my room and told me my results weren’t back, but that he felt I would be fine… I knew I wasn’t fine. The second time they came in, it was a for sure thing, the doctor said my HCG levels weren’t where they needed to be. Then he told me I needed to follow up with my OBGYN. I didn’t want to go to my OB because I knew that I would see everyone around me with big bellies and I would have to sit in the waiting room surrounded by them…waiting…. probably for an hour because they would be running behind…When I finally went to my follow up appointment, I saw a completely new doctor. My last OBGYN had retired. He was so nice and sincere, but he kept saying, “Bless your heart…I’m so sorry!” I knew he meant well…I could feel it… but I was really sick of him repeating those words over and over. I had one other follow-up appointment and he continued to say the same thing….ugh.
With early miscarriage, you get so many different comments from people,
“You are blessed that it happened early on because that means something wasn’t right.”
“You are blessed that you are even able to get pregnant.”
“You are lucky it happened early because it’s harder later on.”
“I don’t know why this is so hard on you because you were just barely pregnant.”
“At least you are blessed to already have the kids you have.”
“I’m so sorry you are going through this…it’s hard no matter how far along you are.”
Even though it was hard hearing all of these things, the sad part was, I was already thinking them myself. When I had my second miscarriage, I even had people ask me if I would ‘try’ again, because, “how could I put myself through that again?”
Some people don’t announce their pregnancies until later on, for fear of miscarriage. I can’t wait long to announce my pregnancies because I have health issues I deal with during pregnancy. I need help with my kids while going to appointments. With my most recent miscarriage, we were going to wait to announce it, but we told our kids and they started telling everyone they saw. Sometimes the things people say are hurtful; even though it might not be intentional…but it’s also nice to know that people care. It’s not always healthy to go through hard times alone.
If you have kids, it’s not easy breaking the bad news to them. The best thing you can do is be honest about everything. Let them know that Heavenly Father needed the baby back in Heaven. Let them know you are sad and you may get emotional, but that you are going to be okay. Let them know it’s okay for them to be sad and grieve too. Never shut out their questions and answer as honest as you can. Let them hug you…if they need to say good bye to the baby let them. They need to heal just as much as you do.
There are lots of hard things about miscarriages people don’t talk about. I may be a little bit too honest, but it’s the truth. As long as you are bleeding, you will feel like you are cleaning up your dead baby. Bleeding is a constant reminder of what was and what’s leaving you. You will continue looking for any sign of the baby. You will most likely bleed a lot. You can’t wear tampons and most mega pads aren’t big enough to catch it all. You may wake up at night, to find you have it everywhere, including on your sheets. You’ll find yourself cleaning blood off of your clothes and everything else. You’ll be reminded of your loss in everything you do and see. You may even experience some pregnancy symptoms again, as your hormones go back to normal.
Once the blood stops there are other emotional things you will deal with. You will see doctor’s appointments already scheduled pop up on your calendar. You will see friends who got pregnant after you, posting about their pregnancies…and you will feel the loss over and over again. You will want to put your hand on your belly and feel that connection, just to realize there is simply nothing there. You will try to explain these things to your husband or someone close and they simply won’t get it. Not for lack of trying, but they simply will not know what to say or do… which is okay…give them credit anyway. But you may feel alone.
If you are like me, you will try getting pregnant again as soon as possible (doctor approves it). I was blessed enough to get pregnant again right away (after my first miscarry). They say you are more fertile after a miscarriage. Or you may fear not being able to get pregnant again (that’s my current fear). If you do get pregnant again you will feel excited, but you may feel guilt celebrating so soon after you just lost a baby.
There will be different milestones for each pregnancy (past or present). For example, you might think, “I should already know the gender of the baby” or “I should be this far along,” and maybe “I should be having the baby today.” These thoughts shouldn’t take away from the love you feel for that little bean growing in your belly.
The hardest part about miscarrying and then becoming pregnant again, is the feeling of possibly losing your baby again. You will worry your whole pregnancy. You will not feel connected to your baby as quickly because you might fear that once you do, it will be taken away. You will look for blood EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU WIPE. You will almost expect it there every time. Any little change in mood or other symptoms will make you think… this is it! You will honestly feel like a mad woman!
After my first miscarriage, but during my last pregnancy, I passed a blood clot. I ran right to the ER…and luckily it was just a blood clot. At the hospital all those same fears and emotions came back. Eventually, I was blessed to have my cute boy! Once I held him in my arms, I couldn’t imagine life without him! I’m grateful I could deliver a healthy baby boy and I’m so thankful for him….it didn’t take away from the void I felt from my miscarriage, but I simply knew God’s hand was in all things. He taught me faith, patience, and love at that moment in my life.
Two weeks ago, I experienced my second miscarriage. From the beginning I was sick and knew I was pregnant, even before I got the positive sign. I was so excited and came up with a cute way to tell my husband, kids, and family. A couple days later I stopped feeling sick…I started worrying. I prayed that I would get sick again…and I did. Not long after that, it all went away again. I felt pure anger and rage, things I never felt before. I told many people from day one, I feared that I was going to miscarry. They told me that every pregnancy is different and not to worry.
Sometimes I think after experiencing a miscarriage, we fear the worst…but I do believe that many of us mommies have intuition…and just know. I knew long before I had the miscarriage…I just knew. Even though I may have known deep down…it was still hard. After finding out about the miscarriage, the rage continued. Finally, the rage turned into sorrow and depression. I know “finally” is a bad word to say because what I’ve been feeling isn’t always related to good or healthy, but I am not an angry person and I couldn’t grasp it.
I am still going through a hard time. I’m experiencing some pretty bad depression. I am blessed beyond belief, but when you feel there is a child waiting for you, one you can’t hold, it’s easy and normal to feel the loss and emptiness. We will try again and I know I will experience all these fears again…but once you hold that baby in your arms….it is all worth it. Miscarriage is a part of life and many women experience it, but your thoughts, pain, and feelings are valid…don’t think otherwise. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, but we don’t always have to be. You deserve your moment… it’s ok to grieve. And if you need help, seek it! There is nothing wrong with asking for extra help from someone at home or in a professional setting.