How Do You Know When Enough is Enough?
When do you take a break or stop infertility Treatments?
I am the oldest child in my family. When I was eight years old my mom had my third sibling…a little girl. I love my little sister. I loved rocking her to sleep and feeding and playing with her. I was the girl who loved to babysit. My ultimate goal in life was to be a wife and mother. I got married at 24 and after 3 short months we decided to start trying for a baby “not preventing.”
We believed that if Heavenly Father wanted us to have a baby it would happen…but nothing happened. It was a little after a year of trying, when we started infertility treatments. We tried everything we’d heard about…Clomid, Famara, Homeopathac doctors, and IUI. For years there were countless nights me and my husband would cry and wonder if we would ever have a child of our own. I remember begging Heavenly Father to send me just one! If He would send us just one child, I promised that I would be HAPPY.
We had been trying for over four years when we got our first positive pregnancy test! We were so excited, that we took at least five tests before going to the doctor the next day. We worried probably the whole nine months and then we had our MIRACLE! I felt so complete and so blessed. I loved having this sweet baby in our home.
It was a little after Kaylee’s first Birthday when people started asking when we were going to have another baby. We hadn’t been “preventing,” but I think it was somewhere around her second birthday that we officially started to “try again.”
Our little Miracle is now almost five! I just passed the 10 year mark for us starting to ‘try’ to have children. My sweet husband wants us to have more children so Kaylee is not an only child. We both have always wanted more than one child. Kaylee would love a brother or sister and she asks me all the time when I’m going to have another baby. My family and friends pray for us to have another baby. We have so much love and support.
But with time I have come to realize…I am completely fulfilled with just having Kaylee. I also feel like I need to keep my promise I made to my Heavenly Father. I said I would be happy with one… I have been thinking a lot about Abraham’s story in Bible. As I have been studying it I have found so much comfort…
First let’s talk about his wife Sarah. She is said to be a great example of womanhood, faith, and righteousness. Sarah gave birth to Isaac at age 90… I know that by all usual standards this is not possible… but through the intervention of God, she conceived and bore a son. Peter also suggests that righteous women can be called the daughters of Sarah ( 1 Peter 3:1-6 especially V.6). Sarah only had one child and I hope to be like her… to be known for my faith and righteousness.
Then there is Abraham. It says that GOD DID TEMPT ABRAHAM (Genesis 22:1) “Tempt” in the King Jame’s version of the Bible, comes from the Hebrew word ‘nissah’ which means “to test, try, or prove,”
Why did the Lord ask such things of Abraham?
God knew what his future would be… and knew that he would be the father of an innumerable posterity. God knew he could test Abraham because he knew Abraham’s heart. God’s purpose was to impress upon Abraham a lesson… He wanted to enable him to attain unto knowledge… that he could not obtain in any other way. That is why God tries all of us….so we can obtain knowledge. He knows all our lives and everything we will do. But he tries us for our own good, that we may know ourselves; for it is most important that a man should know himself.
“He required Abraham to submit to this trial because He intended to give him glory, exaltation and honor; He intended to make him a king and a priest, to share the glory, power and dominion which He exercised.” (George Q. Cannon, Gospel Truth, 1:113.)
I am thankful I have not been tested or tried like Abraham. I had someone ask me if I would change the past and all that I have gone through to try to have a child. I pondered on it for a few minutes and my answer is NO…I would not change it. I am so thankful for all I have been through. I know that I have gone through these things for a reason. A good reason. Not because I’m being punished for my sins sort of thing..but because the Lord loves me like Abraham and Sarah. He is teaching me all that I need to
know to return to live with Him again. He is teaching me out of love. God loves us so much and wants us to return to Him.
Right now I feel like I need to stop treatments and focus on healing my body. I am going to go grain free and try to get my Endometreosis under control. If Heavenly Father wants me to have more children, He will lead and guide me to know when and how to do it. If it is Heavenly Father’s plan for me to only have one child in this life…well then I am happy with that as well.
I have come to a point where I am done trying to please everyone around me, I want to please myself and my Heavenly Father. I have always had a hard time saying how I really feel, especially if it is not what people want to hear. Heavenly Father ultimately has given me the peace to feel like I can be done trying and enjoy the miracle I already have. When I follow the spirit, all of those feelings of not being good enough are gone. I know Heavenly Father knows me. He knows Mitch. And He knows Kaylee. He knows what is best for all of us and He knows what we need.
I have been so blessed to have supportive and loving people in my life. People who have been so kind and understanding for my decisions. God is good. I have so much more joy in my life when I follow His plan for me. I know He is in the details of our lives. For this I am truly grateful.